QUESTON: Do you think a non-label (i.e. “seeing each other” and “exclusive” rather than “dating” and “boyfriend/girlfriend”) relationship can work? Does a guy who usually asks me to meet him late at night have any honorable intentions? How can you know when a guy is playing you?
BACKGROUND:
Met a guy a few weeks ago on Facebook. The first IM conversation, he gave his number which seemed to stun him, and he commented on how he hadn’t done that before, at least so soon. We started talking, and found out that we had the same dreams and aspirations. He owned up to a bad reputation, some of it deserved, some of it not. The more I talked to him, the more I liked him. We communicated via IM, text, and phone. On the 15th he asked me out, and we planned to go to a very nice restaurant, but when he learned I had NEVER been four wheeling we decided that would be more fun. We went out the 17th,, and it seemed to be going perfectly, and was very fun. I expected a kiss at most, but he pursued making out by the stream. We rode on, but while lying on a mountainside, he and I started making out again, and it got to touching. I’m a virgin, so that was pretty new to me. Part of me was horrified that things had gone so far, but I let it go. He stopped when I asked him too, and didn’t act like a jerk about it, and when we parted ways, he hugged me, kissed me on the forehead, and told me to call him.
We talked some in about the physicals aspects, and I explained to him how I wasn’t experienced, and wasn’t fully comfortable with all that had happened. He seemed to understand. He wanted to hang out again on 18th, but suggested we hang out while he waited for his friend to get home. We would have been hanging out in his friend’s private drive, so I didn’t feel cool with that. Too tryst-like. He told me we could hang out with his friend when he called later that same night because his friend had come back early and he was already there. Instead, we ended up in the driveway, he pulled off. Making out started, but when the touching started to hurt I had him stop, but it took telling him a couple times. Someone started pulling into the driveway, so he acted like he was fixing the car, and soon after the other driver had went on, he all but shuffled me back to my car. He seemed upset that I would think his rep was true, that he was a player, but hugged and kissed me on the forehead before we parted ways. I felt kinda numb and stunned, dirty and used, especially when I found out that I had bled a tiny bit this time (no intercourse, just touching).
I had just gotten home when he texted to tell me that he didn’t want me to think he just wanted a hook-up, that he had trouble getting to know people. I didn’t let him off the hook, and he seemed genuinely horrified when I laid out his actions, and apologized. He promised to slow down, and told me that he wanted to earn my trust, make my happy and make it right. I wasn’t swayed, but softer to the idea of it. We puzzled over the total lack of awkwardness since we met, how it felt like we had known each other for years, and why things seemed to be moving in reverse, and so fast.
The next morning I was more angry, and felt kind of violated since I had expressed my lack of experience and not wanting to move so quickly, but we talked more and worked through it. On the 22nd, he told me that he liked me, genuinely. We tried to make plans before my shift, but I had some issues at home to contend with. So when I got off early, ewe played with the idea of going to the carnival and watching the fireworks (I was already going with my sister). However, his friend who was his ride that night was impatient to see his girlfriend, that we only got to see each other very briefly. We talked later that night, and tried to make plans for the following day, but they fell through both times, and he seemed worried that I would think he was bailing on me, and become angry. I was annoyed and disappointed, but not angry, so he asked me to come to his friend’s again that night. I told him that with how the last time had turned out, I didn’t feel comfortable with that.
He told me that he was going back to college the next day, so it would likely be the last time he was in the area (his college is an hour away), and he didn’t know when he would be back in. He told me that if we didn’t see each other, that I could always stay with him since he doesn’t yet have a roommate, and that he would keep it PG, and more like a movie night. I wasn’t comfortable with that idea, but a bit warmed to it since I have friends who attend that school, so if he didn’t keep his promise, I wouldn’t be totally stranded.
He promised me that this time we would really hang out with his friend. After a long time, I finally agreed, but warned him that I might have to give my friend a ride home from work (an excuse in case things got out of hand, so I could easily leave without awkwardness). He was okay with that, and we thought it
Neither of us mess around with anyone else. No problem for me, but I am keeping on my toes with him, and could see how he could be using this alternative form of relationship to keep me to himself while he enjoys the company and pleasure of other girls. However, he could just as easily do that as my “boyfriend” as he could as the “guy I’m seeing.”
It seemed perfect, yet today he was again trying to get me to come stay with him at his dorm. I told him my car wouldn’t make the trip, which until it is repaired, it honestly would not. Besides, I am still not comfortable with that idea, as attractive as is. He texted me to say he was going to come back tonight to stay with his friend, and that we should “chill.” Confused, I asked him if he meant at the college, and he said no, that he would be coming home for the night, and maybe even the following day.
would only be a 30 minute visit. I stopped at the end of the driveway, and he met me. Together we walked back to his friend’s house. His friend was talking on the phone to his girlfriend, so we decided to give him some privacy, and stayed outside. We sat on the trampoline and talked, and then laid back and gazed at the stars, holding each other. We talked about everything and anything, and while we did make out some, he kept it PG as promised, and it wasn’t s fast, and lusty as before. More gentle and incredible, and oh so very tempting. He made line-like comments, that I didn’t fully take to heart, but realized he very well might mean them. Such as how beautiful he thinks I am and that he wants to know everything about me. He kept me warm when I got chilly. He stopped this time, and e went in together, and he played his friend at Xbox football. He made a point of smiling at me or holding my hand in between games, and while it’s cliché, commented on how I must be his good luck charm si
I agreed to see him, and than later he texted me to say that he was actually at his house rather than his friend’s and that I could come over if I was “very quiet.” So I came over, and his friend came out of the bathroom, I smiled back at him, but really I was wondering why he was there. We went to his bedroom, and laid on the bed talking a bit. Then we started making out, and I wasn’t overly thrilled because
it was more like the driveway time than the trampoline time, not much talking, but a lot of making out and touching. After a while, we thought we heard something, so I grabbed up my shirt and bra and started to dress while he peeked out. We sat back on the bed and talked a minute, before I got dressed, and asked him if I could go to the bathroom.
I really wanted to wash my hands, so he showed me where it was, and I did. When I heard something when I was in the bathroom and when I came out, he told me
since as long as I sat next to him, he won.
Our “30 minute visit” turned into a few hours, and by 3:30 I made my excuse to leave. He walked me back to my car, and we kissed, making out a little, and stood hugging each other. When I shivered, he commented on how he would like to keep me warm forever. Line-ish, but still sweet.
He kissed me on top of the head, and I kissed him under the chin, and then we kissed and he picked me up. My legs around him, we shared a pretty intense, incredible kiss, which we broke away from kind laughing. We told each other goodnight, and he asked me to call him when I got home so he would know that I made it safe.
He got what he needed taken care of at the college, but he learned that his classes
were postponed, so he came back. We talked about seeing each other that night at his friends‘, but we both had morning classes, and didn’t want to stay out so late. He again suggested that I come stay with him. Offered to come and get me, and take me back with him for the night, and take me back the next day before my
classes. I told him that while I was sure that I wanted to see him, I wasn’t sure that the timing was right for a stay-over. He seemed to understand, and that got us to talking more about us. He asked me about my views on sex, and I told him that at the very least it couldn’t be casual. We talked about our pasts, and exes. When I mentioned that my most recent ex was giving me trouble, he told me I should tell him that I had “met someone new.” I wondered at that since he has used the term “casual” in regard to us before.
Then we started defining us. I like him, and want to be with him, but am not so sure I want to jump into another serious relationship, and I think he is afraid of getting hurt again (so am I) so what he outlined sounded close to perfect:
Avoid labels and definitions because they confuse/ruin things and add undo pressure. That I understand because when my ex was an ass as a boyfriend it wasn’t nearly so serious as when he was an ass as my fiance. Labels do make a major difference.
I must admit part of me has a love for the boyfriend/girlfriend couple-y-ness, but people loved and lived before titles, definitions, and labels without any qualms.
He feels to define us would ruin what we share. I can see that as well. Sometimes people overanalyze things, and that can ruin what makes it so intriguing and special to begin with.
He says spending time together will prove whether we grow together or not, and if we don’t we can avoid the over-stigmatized title of “ex,” and more easily, and less awkwardly remain friends. Perhaps naïve, but not without merit.
that I had to go, that his dad had woken up, and something about his friend being pissed because of it. He walked me out after I got my stuff, and we chatted a bit, he hugged me and kissed me. He told me that he would be here tomorrow if I wanted to hang out, and I told him likely yes when I wasn’t in class (one morning and two evening). I told him that we would have to be sure to talk more since the last two times we hadn’t done much of that, and he seemed a bit confused, but agreed.
I want us to do something other than meet at his friend’s house, driveway, or even his house and make out. I want us to go somewhere and do something to prove that this is more than just physical. He thinks the night on the trampoline proves that, and I did too, but the past two times have kinda made me doubt. Every time we make out, and it gets to a point where I feel uncomfortable, he assures me there won’t be any sex.
